I already know I shouldn’t be writing this one, so proceed at your own risk. Steep cliff ahead.
How do you know if you’re a good partner? Or if you’re in a relationship where you’ve always got one foot in an argument while the other foot is keeping the fridge door open…and somehow you’re able to shove a third foot in your mouth. Is it because you’re a good team player and you and your partner have figured out how to successfully navigate a disagreement? Maybe your partner just knows how to handle you. When to give you space. And you’re just there, wreaking whatever havoc that accidentally slips off your tongue when you’re preoccupied with something else that’s stressing you out, nothing to do with them at all. Maybe snacks shouldn’t always be the default solution.
But honestly, snacks might be the answer more often than not, in today’s hangry culture.
The reason I feel like I shouldn’t be writing this is probably because my partner and I do find ourselves in arguments pretty often. But the fact that it’s been (almost) seven years and we’ve been able to resolve just about every argument speaks to something that must be going right.
I met T at my first engineering job out of college, he was working in the machine shop downstairs and I worked upstairs, at a very small business near where I had graduated from. I was enthralled by this beautiful curly haired Italian boy, who had a propensity for building and creating things (I say boy, but he was 29 at the time with a very young personality). We started spending time together after work, and I found myself doing everything I could to keep putting a big goofy smile on his face. We ended up dating, and five years later getting engaged. But holy cow, we’ve been through a lot.
Health issues, mental health issues, financial issues, crazy commutes, adjusting to living together. And throughout all of it, my insomnia has been an unwelcome third wheel.
I lived half an hour away when we first met, and would drive back and forth all the time. Sometimes we’d be up late on a weeknight, finishing a movie around midnight and opting for the sake of logic to sleep over. This is when I found out that I had extreme difficulty sleeping in new spaces (and/or in other peoples’ beds). T would smoke a joint and be out like a log within minutes, while I would be awake until 6am, contemplating my move for the next morning. Skip work? On a Wednesday? I had tasks I needed to get done, this issue was extremely inconvenient. I also didn’t want to use my paid time off so soon. But I couldn’t sleep due to new noises like his snoring, the change of temperature being next to another person, the feel of his mattress which was memory foam, something I wasn’t used to. Probably other factors as well.
After this happened several times, I had to admit that sleepovers weren’t working for me. We had to sleep in our own beds, separately, and we had to keep track of the time to make sure I left by a reasonable hour. It felt like there was this big part of a relationship that I wasn’t capable of experiencing, and what if it meant that we couldn’t live together? It felt like I was a kid with strict bedtime rules. And then I moved an hour and a half away for a new job.
I did an insane amount of driving to avoid the sleeping problem, and he would sometimes drive out to me (he had car troubles that meant he couldn’t drive as much). We had to experiment with sleeping situations, like getting him another mattress, and eventually after he moved in, a couch that he preferred. It was tug-of-war for awhile, but we finally had to accept the routine that allowed for both of us to sleep. We have different bedtimes, and usually don’t sleep in the same room. I sleep upstairs, and load up on all manner of sleeping aids a couple hours before I plan to zonk out. I use earplugs and an eye mask, I try to make sure the temperature upstairs is cool enough, and I use blackout curtains. He stays up much later than me downstairs, and is able to move around without worrying as much about disturbing me, falling asleep on the couch which we’ve outfitted with extra layers of foam, blankets, and pillows.
Watching old movies and tv shows like I Love Lucy, I never thought I’d be one of those couples that sleeps in separate beds. But sometimes it’s easier to accept what needs to happen rather than fight it and be so sleep deprived that you’re always at each others’ throats. We often make the “getting ready for sleep” routine something we share– we’ll brush our teeth at the same time, and hang out before I turn the light out. It’s something I look forward to, hardly the end of the world.
Our different sleeping situations aren’t the end of the insomnia problem. It rears its head before many arguments that don’t need to be had. Headaches and fatigue make me easily irritable, so when I have nights where I don’t sleep well, it’s something I try to communicate as a precursor to any complaint I might be about to bring up. T has become very understanding of the issue, and we try to be nice to each other, and not to blame every argument on my lack of sleep either (or the nature of every argument, sometimes I’m just in a bad mood).
The best you can do is take care of yourself, prioritize your own sleep because it’s your responsibility, and admit when your perception might be skewed due to insomnia. Maybe try that argument again tomorrow if it’s still relevant.
Thanks for reading,
Victoria